Sunday, December 13, 2009

What's the ideal?

My journey deeper into FA is leading me to re-examine not only my attitude to Fat but also to Thinness and my concept of 'ideal' size.

In an ideal world, if I could be any size, what size would I be? In the past I would have definitely gone for the 'skinny as hell' size option, without a second's thought. Now, I'm definitely not so sure on that. My ideal size now would be significantly larger than my ideal size of say, 5 years ago.

Now when I envisage myself at my ideal size, I see myself at a much healthier size. In fact, my ideal is based on health now, not fashion, or obsession. Ideally, I would still like to be smaller than I am now. But not by as much. My ideal dress size is now Uk size 14-16 (I'm currently size 20).

In getting better from a mental health point of view, I've come to see that, for me, being skinny does equal being sick. I will never diet again, because I know that dieting makes me sick.

It's no longer my ideal to be sick for the rest of my life.

At the same time, working on a healthy attitude towards food does involve finding a better balance and a better attitude towards it. I think it's going to take a while to undo the damage done by dieting. I have to allow myself to feel hunger. I have to then allow myself to trust my instincts as to what to eat (when I'm so used to being told what I can and cannot eat), I have to be able to eat for enjoyment.

I also need to learn that it's ok to say no to food. It's ok to leave food over, to stop eating when I'm full. I need to trust that not eating for a few hours, because I'm not hungry, is not going to make me relapse into starvation. I need to trust that there will always be more food if I want it, I don't need to feed myself up for some future disaster.
I don't need to be skinny to be happy, and my life's going to be no less worthwile or enjoyable if I stay this size forever. Or if I lose weight, or gain weight either.

I don't have to be afraid.

Everything is going to be ok, and if it's not then whatever the problem is, it's not going to be my dress size.
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